A Debate for the Ages

This is the recorded transcript of a debate that occurred in an alternate universe. What is at stake is the office of major for the City of Saline. The two candidates are Republican John Burke and Democrat Douglas Morningstar II. The host is Alex Teijido. The setting is the gymnasium of the old Saline High School.Teijido is standing at a table that is directly in front of the two candidates.


Teijido: Hello. Welcome to the mayoral debate for the City of Saline.The two candidates are here this evening to discuss their respective plans for the city. To my left is Democrat Douglas Morningstar II and to my right is Republican John Burke. Hello gentlemen.



Morningstar: Hello


Burke:Blah.


Teijido:The format of this debate will be as follows: I ask a question and then each candidate will have 30 seconds to answer. There will be 15 seconds reserved for a rebuttal. Are you ready gentlemen?



Both:Yes/blah.

Teijido: First question goes to Mr. Burke. What will do to fix the roads east of town?

Burke:Ba, ba, bah, ba, ba blah.

Morningstar: What did he say? I cannot understand a word he said.

Teijido:He said and I quote "I will place a 2 cent surcharge on pornography sold at Habeeb's Mecca of Porn. That will generate enough revenue to pay for the desperately needed repairs.This will also have the affect of discouraging the purchase of obscene material in our fair town."

Morningstar:I didn't hear that. All I heard was gibberish.

Teijido:Mr.Morningstar, please answer the question.

Morningstar: My plan would increase property taxes by one half percent. The revenue generated would more than pay for the roads while not placing a burden on our local business owners as my opponents plan would.

Burke:Bla, blah, BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!(Burke menacingly points towards Morningstar)


Morningstar:I have no idea what you just said.

Teijido:He called you a big, dumb, ape, who he is inclined to beat the shit out of.

Morningstar:What?!Tell that goofy bastard that I'll beat his ass. I have subdued many a man in my time.

Teijido:So we've heard.

Morningstar:(looks askance at Teijido) What? Now you are going to talk shit? You are supposed to be an impartial moderator.

Teijido:Frankly Mr. Morningstar, after hearing of your many late night liaisons with people of both sexes I have developed a significant level of antipathy for you. You simply are not fit to be leader of this great city. The city that was born out of a great trial of blood in the Battle of Saline. The city where the legendary(speaks in a hushed tone) Jack Crabtree strolled the sidelines of our magnificent football field, leading Saline to many victories. Saline, the city that----(Teijido is interrupted by Morningstar)

Morningstar:To be brutally honest with you Mr. Teijido, I don't think a man who goes by the name "Lexx Bubble" is qualified to judge anyone. Your own indiscretions with Joe Jargul make me quake with anger at your hypocrisy.

Burke is joined on stage by his campaign manager, Sarah McCracken and chief advisor, Marcus Neeno. Morningstar is joined by his campaign manager and boyfriend Don Price.

Teijido: What I do in my life is irrelevant for I am not running for public office. You are.

Price:(to Morningstar) Douglas, we should leave. This has gotton out of control. This atmosphere is much too hostile for us.(he starts to pull Morningstar off stage.)

Burke: Bla. bla, bla, BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! SNUCK BLA, LALA!(Burke face reddens with rage and he starts to walk towards Morningstar and Price.)

Morningstar: (to Burke)You better back the fuck up before you get smacked the fuck up!(Morningstar clenches fists and gets into a fighting posture)

McCracken:(yelling)Stop it! What would Mr. Crabtree think?

Morningstar:(to McCracken) Who cares what that fat bastard thinks?

McCracken:How dare you speak of Mr. Crabtree so! He is the soul of our city! He is the yeast that has made our city rise!

Morningstar:(gives McCracken a look of disbelief) What th-----(at that moment Morningstar is rocked by a devastating tackle from Burke.A loud smack and thud is heard as flesh hits flesh and ground)

Burke is standing over Morningstar in triumph as Morningstar lays sprawled out and motionless.Price is kneeling at Morningstar's side, crying and imploring Morningstar to get up.

Burke: Ba, ba, BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!(Burke beats chest and does a Polynesian war dance called "The Haka".)

Price:Dougie, get up. Please get up!We have reservations for dinner at Che Nous with your brother and Jean Luc .(the only response Morningstar offers is a groan of pain)

Teijido: Serves the twink right. He was due his comeuppance.(Teijido turns and leaves)

Price angrily glares at Teijido. Teijido, Burke and Burke's entourage leave the stage--save for Neeno who offers a departing comment.

Neeno: Nick Snick BOW! Chairmen Bao demands perfection!

Price is utterly perplexed by this comment. He can only stare as Neeno saunters away with his hands in his pocket, whistling the theme song to "Growing Pains".The crowd disperses leaving Morningstar unconscious and Price in shock at what just happened.