Mother

Why did you do it mother? Why did you leave me? Why, why, why.

I'll never know the answer for you are no longer here for me to ask. Cancer took you away from us. Your departure left me more perplexed than sad--a tragic symptom of your neglect.

How could choose personal gratification over being a mother to your son? What women chooses to pursue musical career over being a mother? What kind of women does that?

You never had the looks or ability to be more than what you were--a musical weekend warrior. You were never more than a third rate singer. For that, you gave up a child. What a tragedy.

You had a career that could have provided you and me with a nice life. You had a Master's degree. You became known for forming a chorus made up of autistic children. You could have blended your love of music with education and still been a mother to me. But it was not to be.

The decision you made to leave me with my father was the best thing you ever did--and he raised me to be a good man. He dealt with the the side effects of your neglect. I was a very angry, confused, child who also lacked self esteem.I have never been in a relationship with a women because I cannot trust women. The legacy of your abandonment of me are feelings of misogyny.(though my father raised me to respect women, I still have trust issues with women)

You caused this. The simple act of not being present left me in emotional shambles. That is something I will never forgive. How could you turn your back on your baby boy? How?

I remember staring at the small box containing your ashes at the service they had for you. .The green,3-by-5 box, sitting on a stand covered by green felt cloth. I recall people coming up to me and saying how sorry they were for my loss and the eulogies that extolled your virtues and expressed regret for your passing.

But what I remember most clearly--especially when I consider the later passing of Grandpa Quattro and Snoopy--is the almost complete lack of sorrow I had that day. Not one tear did I shed that day. No emotions of grief disturbed me, no feeling of loss ate at me...nothing, but a hollow sensation. A sensation that in subsequent years would be replaced by profound grief and many a tear shed when Grandpa and Snoopy died.

The answer to why is easy enough to grasp. Grandpa took your place in my heart. Where you SHOULD have been, he is. He gave me love and support while you were traveling the roads of America in a futile pursuit to achieve musical fame.I am the man that I am in part because of him. For that, I thank you. I would never have known what an extraordinary man my grandfather was if you have stayed.

Though she was but a dog, Snoopy brought me much more joy than you ever did. The few hours a week I was around her brought warmth to my heart and a smile to my face. Her sweet and congenial temperament, helped me--for a few hours anyways--forget my anger and discontent. She was a source of great happiness for me.

I look back at your life mother and can only wonder at how you squandered your life. You gave birth to two boys, earned two college degrees, and had two careers. But what did you do with that? 4 broken marriages, multiple career changes, and a child left with no feeling for you.

The person who lost here is not I, but you. You could have had so much, but you settled for so little.