Single Ad Infinitum

I cancelled my Match.com subscription today.A month-and-a-half of unreturned emails, winks from fat chicks, and a steady stream of homely women checking out your profile has made this decision easy.


What is frustrating about sites like Match are that the women you are interested in are not interested in you and the women that are interested in you, you are not interested in. My pursuit for love in the province of internet dating has proven to be as fruitful as the the search for the Holy Grail.


My problem--- besides not possessing the body of a MMA fighter, the looks of Johnny Depp, or the money of Bill Gates-- is that I am not the most outgoing of people. I am inherently distrustful of other people. Why, I cannot tell you. I just am.


One factor that should mention is that I did not grow up with much of a female influence in my life. My mother left me with my dad when I was two years old.There was no significant, consistent, female presence in my life until my dad remarried when I was 13. But as anyone who has been in a "blended" family can attest to, relationships between a step-mother and a step-son can be problematic. Such was the case with me.


A person who has anti-social tendencies and is largely ignorant of women is generally not going to flourish when trying to attract a mate he is interested in. Of the two, the former has been by far the more stubborn obstacle for me to overcome.


My ignorance/lack of familiarity as well as the transference of residual anger at my mother to females in general, has created a lack of confidence that has crippled my feeble attempts at finding love. I have not even ASKED a girl out in some ten years.(This ineptitude feeds my anger and creates feelings of bitterness and distrust of women. It is a vicious circle.)


It is because of my trouble relating to women in person that I turned to internet dating, but it has proven to be no more of a solution than making a weekly pilgrimage to the local bars and dance clubs to seek female companionship.


I know I want a woman in my life. I enjoy romantic movies and songs as long as they are of good quality. I love the smell of female perfumes and find much gratification from viewing scantily clad women as any heterosexual man does.Attraction is not an issue in regards to me and women.

If anything, I probably want a woman more than any other man simply because I have never had one of my own. I do not mean this as physically possessing a woman as a child does a doll, but possessing the heart of a woman. I want to be her world and her to be mine. Most people find this in their mother and then a wife/girlfriend. I have never had either for my mother was a mother only in biological terms.

At this juncture in my life, I would have to say that I am likely to remain single until the day I breath my last.I do not see my Facebook status ever changing from "single" to "in a relationship".Such a belief is neither sad or pathetic to me, it just is what it is.